I wrote this at 12:30 in the morning to clear my head:
I spend so much time hiding.
And not even from other people, although I do that too, but just from myself.
So much time behind binging tv shows and reading books and trying to absorb my emotions into the same four social media apps I switch back and forth between to distract myself.
I try to tell myself that I am 100% so perfectly content with where I am, but I’m not.
I’m afraid all the time; I’m restless but I feel lazy and sometimes I cannot get up.
I have like four different mental health/neuroatypical diagnoses that I cannot distinguish between when I’m trying to figure out why I’m acting a certain way or hiding from a certain thing. All the symptoms run together, and I don’t know what’s causing anything.
Sometimes everything feels really confusing and messy and blended together but also so uniquely distinguished.
There are days I cannot remove hyperfocus from one stupid situation and days where I cannot focus my mind at all.
And I keep trying to hide from all of that. I force myself into believing that my emotions are incomprehensible (which, it really does feel like they are) and just too much. I have told myself that distraction will lead to “feeling better” (although I really have no idea what feeling better really is).
And it is exhausting. Hiding and masking and running away all the time eats away at you. Now, as much as while I’m writing this it feels like a unique experience to me, I know it’s not, which is why I’m sharing this with you.
I don’t have solutions for this or anything more to say about it–I just wanted you to know you’re not alone (I know I’m not).
“You are imperfect. You are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” (Brené Brown)