A few months ago, I added to the ink collection on my skin with these words from a for King and Country song, “STEADY ON, MY LOVE”.
And, initially, when I heard those words in concert, I was thinking about how easily I become anxious. How OCD has caused many, many things to feel like they were falling apart around me. How depression has tried to dim any hope of a better soon. And I thought it would be rather perfect if I could be forever reminded, as my tendencies do not naturally do on their own, that not only does God call me Beloved, but He holds my hand and walks with me, leads me, always going before and behind me.
But over these days and weeks of having such a high charge engraved into my body, it has begun to develop an interesting new significance.
“STEADY ON, MY LOVE” has come to tell me not just to continue when it is hard and when I am anxious and when I really, really need to remember I’m not alone, but that in the mundane, boring, slightly off-putting, pretty good, and great, I must also press forward with equally as much conviction and purpose rooted deeply in my spirit. For without this deep conviction and purpose in every moment, not just the worst ones, I wander and I worry and I attempt to take control of things over which I have never been given jurisdiction.
I have looked at those words, “STEADY ON, MY LOVE”, more in the moments when I was uncertain, doubting, wanting to walk apathetically, than I have in relationship to anxiousness. And not because I don’t need the support when I am anxious but because it is much easier for me to remind myself when I am feeling something so intense and strong that I must fight and continue on than it is to tell myself I must continue on when I feel nothing.
When everything seems to be inconsequential and nothing feels like quite how I would like it. When I am tired and a little grumpy—preferring to sit in my self-pity and almost totally blind attitudinal negativity and distaste. Yes, it is in these moments when I must reflect on those words: “STEADY ON, MY LOVE”.
It is in these moments when I am drawn into this reminder from C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia:
“My own plans are made. While I can, I sail east in the Dawn Treader. When she fails me, I paddle east in my coracle. When she sinks, I shall swim east with my four paws. And when I can swim no longer, if I have not reached Aslan’s country, or shot over the edge of the world into some vast cataract, I shall sink with my nose to the sunrise.”
So set—so clear on the goal—so incredibly focused on the end. In sailing, in sinking, in swimming, drowning—in every moment, “STEADY ON, MY LOVE” rings loudly, loudly, loudly as I try to run with as much conviction as this book character who is seeking so strongly the presence and permanence and blessed, blessed assurance of the Only Good.
I have searched; I have turned round and round, looking for something I can say I have done and achieved that finally gave me that moment of pure success. I have wished for all sorts of glorification of self. I have sought it out, and I have come back empty each time.
STEADY ON, MY LOVE
STEADY ON, MY LOVE
In the repetition of apathetic regards for life, in the desires of my not-quite-yet totally yielded heart, this is where I sit.
I am learning to look toward the horizon and focus evermore intently on the face of my Father. For this is where every desire, moment of distress, and moment of absolute indifference must bow down to a higher will than my own.
Yes, when I do not want to move, when I become distracted, when I am filled with fear—
Every moment. Every second.
STEADY ON, MY LOVE, for a New Kingdom is coming, indeed, it is here now. And I will not stop marching toward that horizon.