I often find myself wondering what I’m really worth. The world tells us all that being confident in ourselves, being content in who we were created to be, is ridiculous – that we should always be striving to look better, be more agreeable, and fit the norm. And it doesn’t matter that we’re told to be different – because what “being different” really means is “be different – just like everyone else in your crowd – actually, be the same – we like that more”. My weary heart grows ever more tired with each passing day that I question my worth. Searching high and low to find meaning and purpose that the world has said I can never truly experience. My yearning heart longs for refreshment; to be embraced in steadfast love. To not just know, but to be utterly certain – 100 percent positive – that I am worth it, and I am loved and lovable.
It’s funny, though, how God is changing my heart to reflect His view of me. Very recently, I’ve begun to recognize the implications of not believing myself to be good enough or beautiful enough or lovable. But God, who calls me, and you, fearfully and wonderfully made, has said that I am very much good enough – He didn’t create and then die for mediocre people. However, He did create and then die for all of us.
The damage of my misconstrued perception of who I am supposed to be, apparently, transcends the entirety of my identity, however, and overcoming it is unbelievably difficult. Imprinted with the presumption that my love story should reflect a Hallmark movie, or that I even need romance to be complete, I am often caught in a daze of ignorance and momentary bliss that later dissolves into deep frustration. Or maybe it’s not even romance but just friendships where I just don’t quite make the mark for being good enough – for being worth the time. My yearning heart grows ever more tired with each passing day that I question my worth. Who am I to think I have any value at all? The world screams its judgements at me, its expectations. More makeup. More curves. Skinnier. Bigger. Fitter. Prettier. I AM OVERWHELMED. I am undone. My heart cannot handle the strain. I’ve tried so hard to get where the world wants me to be because for so long I’ve believed that people wouldn’t find value in my desire to live as a citizen of Heaven, so I’ve fallen for the temptations that gossip and pettiness have offered. The temptations that fashion and facades have presented to my desperate-for-attention, desperate-for-belonging self.
More times than I wish, which is none at all if I’m honest, I’ve dredged through the wilderness of heartbreak – that feeling of utter abandonment, utter failure, utter worthlessness. Many friendships have fallen apart, and I am left wondering why people didn’t stick around – lying to myself, I declare worthlessness over me when really I should be declaring healing and value because that is what the King of kings and the Lord of lords is doing, and He wants to make it so clear to my heart that there is no change in His purpose and love when I don’t feel like I’m enough. The hours and days and weeks I’ve allowed feelings of worthlessness to take hold have been destructive because I don’t have what the world wants.
Indulging in worldly pleasures and ideas, compromising, changing me to make me more of who everyone else thought I should be, I came closer to the person people expected, and I became less myself and much emptier. My heart was hanging on by threads, shredded beyond recognition; the real me was nowhere to be found among the strained mess of heart strings. Damaged beyond repair, I took my problems to the god of isolation, of self-pity and wounded pride. My broken heart grows ever more tired with each passing day that I question my worth. Drowning in a sea of tears and tissue boxes, I wallowed and wasted away.
There was no comfort to be found, no real love to be found, among my new gods. They told me I was better than everyone else, that I deserved to relish the pain and grow bitter – I was hurt; I was angry; I was right. Every piece of me that wasn’t attached to my hopelessness and my heart broken by superficial relationships was stifled into the small boxes of my thinking that never see the light of day. Those places I am afraid to go because I often don’t want to hear the truth about my heart-state. But my weary heart grows ever more tired with each passing day that I question my worth and drown what needs to be addressed.
Lies seep through my very soul as darkness penetrates me through bitter contempt and anger. My hope ever failing as I fall into the pattern of just surviving – deeper into the weariness of a torn-up soul. Convinced I need to be completed by someone else. Convinced I am not enough; I am not worthy. But my lacking heart grows ever more tired with each passing day that I question my worth.
A small, sweet whisper. You are enough. Penetrating to the very core of my self-doubt, my pride, my loneliness. Am I enough? I have been abandoned so many times. Lacking (or more accurately thinking I’m lacking) real love has taken its toll. No one will want me anymore. No one will find me useful anymore. No one will think I’m worth it anymore. You were worth death one thousand-fold. My deafened heart grows ever more tired with each passing day that I question my worth. Who would dare even think to sacrifice anything at all for my broken pieces?
My craving for real love often consumes me. Lost, broken, starving. Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest. But my blind heart grows ever more tired with each passing day that I question my worth.
And then it was a flood. It was a flood. My empty heart filled to overflowing the moment I let the real love, that had been waiting to overcome me, enter in. When I had come to the end of myself and finally surrendered to Whom I know can do what I really need.
He came and He will continue to come. The One who completes me. Who makes me worthy, reminds me that I am enough. My loved heart grows ever more hopeful with each passing day that I define myself by Him – the Lover of my soul.
“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:1-3